Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   What you need to ask yourself is… Do you really like pancakes and waffles? Or are they just a syrup delivery vehicle?

   Now would be an Ideal time for Netflix to release Sheldon Cooper presents Sheldon Cooper's "Fun With Flags"

   You're traveling thru another dimension. A dimension not only of sight and sound but of mind. A journey into a wondrous land whose boundaries are that of dough, ricotta and mozzarella. Your next stop, the Twilight Calzone.

   Ladies, even in social distancing, men exaggerate. They'll claim it's six feet, but it's really only three.

   I married my wife for her good looks but not the ones she's been giving me lately.

   Men try role reversal in bed, and you have a headache for once.

   Don't kid your self would be a good name for a comdom.

   "Nothing like a game of Twister, that's our motto." - Makers of IcyHot

   My body absorbed so much hand sanitizer that when I pee it cleans the toilet...

   If a fart can get through underwear and a pair of jeans how can a mask made of cloth protect you from Corona?

   .. If there was a liars hall of fame. He would be first person inducted.

   What do you call a man who has everything?...... A bachelor.

   The two things a wife can do to make her husband happy are, pack her bags and leave.

   Date: Yeah I’m gonna go. Me: *At the top of the slide at McDonald’s* Are you sure?

   They should change the name of our galaxy from the Milky Way to the Snickers. Let's face it, we're all nuts.

   If we are being honest, we all have dated a man/woman that we would feed to a tiger.

   Your biggest mistake was grossly underestimating the number of egg rolls I can eat.

   In celebration of Earth Day, I'm just gonna go outside and stare at the ground for a while.

   I ran out of sterile gloves, so I’m just wearing boxing gloves when I go out.

   What do you do if you are an atheist and your stuck behind a car that has a "HONK IF YOU LOVE JESUS" bumber sticker?