Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Dear Slut, Maybe if you closed your legs and opened your heart you might actually find true love and know happiness.

   "If you put the federal government in charge of the Sahara Desert, in five years there'd be a shortage of sand.

   Eating p*ssy is like driving a car, got to be careful or you'll hit the a**hole ahead of you.

   The chicken crossed the road so he can show possums that it can be done!

   They are teasing me again on the Food Network!

   Why don't they air "Shark week" in the winter when we all don't care about swimming?

   A box of poptarts to any one that can find my underwear.

   ❒ Single ❒ Taken ✔ Shark Week

   I think the WHITE HOUSE should think outside the box now!

   When people go camping. are they practicing being homeless,lol?

   Sometimes my mind wanders. I don't know what it does the rest of the time.

   If you cross the N. Korean or Mexican border illegally, you get 12yrs. hard labor If you cross the Afghanistan border illegally,you get shot. If you cross the U.S. border illegally you get a job,a driver's license, food stamps,place to live, health care

   Just because it"s called spandex..doesn't mean it should be put to the "how far can it expand" test.

   I wonder if starving kids in Africa are comforted by the fact that people routinely use them as an excuse to over eat.

   I understand the concept of cooking and cleaning. I also understand the concept of space flight. Doesnt mean I'm going to the moon anytime soon.

   Why doesn't the White House have a BIG YARD SALE to pay back the debt?

   Jack got fired for thinking outside the box

   HEY! Dude at the crosswalk, hitting that button repeatedly doesn't make the light change any faster. STOP DOING THAT!

   Today someone asked me how I would react if someone jumped off a bridge. I laughed and said,"depends on who it is that jumped!!"

   Open Google Maps (Get Directions) 2: Type China as your starting point 3: Type Taiwan as your destination. 4: Read step 48