Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Vampires have lost alot of street cred the last few years. They used to be scary, now everyone thinks they're a bunch of emo b*tches.

   Fell out of the boat today after watching shark week........ I swam like a two legged deer

   I used to love to give pretend shots with a mechanical pencil

   Nothing says "I have no life," quite like people who listen to Nascar on the radio.

   First, love yourself. Everyone else, get in line.

   Never trust a gut feeling on an empty stomach.

   pretty soon, Americans are going to be e-mailing Nigerians about depositing money electronically...

   I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message...

   I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.

   I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.

   That was one time and I'm not allowed to have coffee anymore!....

   Why is the media so negative? Instead of "Polar Bear Kills Alaskan Teen", why not "Alaskan Teen Feeds Starving Polar Bear"?

   I got my name tattooed on my p*n*s. My girl goes, "Stop trying to put words in my mouth."

   Why does everyone think my Dad's are gay?

   these statues suck.how about some jokes guys

   I took my girl to the Premiere of the new Planet Of The Apes movie; she spent most of the night signing autographs.

   i think fake boobs should come with a squeaky toy inside. How much fun would that be!

   Lord give me strength to deal with these A$$hole$ or this Louisville Slugger will!

   Some people say the greatest joy is having a kid, but those people never driven a 600hp V10 BMW M6.

   pee-ing so hard a little bit of laugh came out