Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   A Lover says, `I will be with you in all your troubles`. But a Good Friend says, `You will have no trouble when I am with you!`

   The economy is so bad that Anglina Jolie is adopting American kids now.

   Manager: A room with double bed? But sir you are alone? Santa: Yes, It is just that I wish to enjoy the silence from the other bed.

   Sitting here watching thousands of dollars worth of food be thrown away on Hell's Kitchen while I eat my Ramen.

   Thinking about writing a book on Mormon cults. Will title it, "Always the Bride, Never the Bridesmaid."

   I'm trying to solve a murder mystery, but the only clue is a broken calculator found at the crime scene . . . Something doesn't add up.

   Until noon tomorrow, I would like to be called only by my street name- White Chocolate Filling. Please update your records.

   Just woke up. Ice cream melted. Not sure where I am. Smells like basement.

   There aren't many passengers on this train of thought.

   original, one of a kind..So if you don't mind get back in line..

   Gonna go take a hot shower. It's like a normal shower, but with me in it.

   Sorry I'm not rioting, my tracksuit is in the wash.

   I only like Tuesday because it rhymes with Booze Day....

   Society needs both optimists and pessimists. For example, an optimist invented the airplane while a pessimist invented the parachute

   If you purchased $1000 worth of Delta airlines stock one year ago, you would have $49. If you invested it in aig you'd have $33. If you spent $1000 on beer and recycled the cans you would have $214.50. Therefor drinking heavily is your best investment.

   Scotland Yard is at a loss at how to stop rioters from coordinating looting via Blackberry. If only they knew someone who could hack phones.

   I just took a typing test. 160 words per minute. The word was "a". That counts, right?

   You think seven years is bad for breaking a mirror? Try breaking a condom.

   If I get another invite for farmville, I'm going to get my friends in Mafia Wars to shoot your cows and send the meat to Cafe World.

   I'm proud to be an infidel