Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   It used to be that a lady didn't kiss on the first date. But gas is 4 dollars a gallon, 1 date counts as 3 now.

   When you really want to slap someone, do it and say "mosquito."

   Sometimes, in order to get a clearer picture of things, you must take a few steps back.

   While single, focus on becoming a better person instead of focusing on finding someone better than your ex. A better you will attract a better next.

   You still mean everything to me, but you're just not worth the fight or my time and effort anymore.

   Generally, I'm a nice person. Just don't push the b**ch button.

   You can't change a Hoe Into a Wife just as much as you can't change a Player into a Husband.

   The sickening feeling of disappointment you get when a girl you have a crush on calls you "brother"

   Coffee and cigarettes together it seems are my homebrew version of Ex-Lax

   I am that little chocolate you find when you least expect it and need it the most!!

   you know your joke is bad when you cant even give yourself a thumbs up

   my idea of a situp is when I first get up in the morning

   I wonder if Sarah Palin could see Russia from on top of Glen Rice.

   Lead, follow, or get the heck out of the way

   It's difficult to have a committed relationship with a schizophrenic. They're always seeing other people.

   I'm pretty awesome at tripping over stuff that isn't even there.

   Obama checks Declaration of Independence.. fails to find National Treasure map on back.

   Study: 50% of Jumbotron Marriage Proposals.. End in Jumbotron Divorce.

   My dad pulled me aside today, teary-eyed. Told me to sit down.. I braced myself. He said "There's going to be a third Bridget Jones movie."

   "Chicken of the Sea" is both a delicious brand of tuna.. and the best way to insult a pirate.