Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Dear Maytag: Why don't your dryers come with a Fold cycle? It's 2020 for Chrissake.

   Don't believe everything you read in public toilets. Sharon is not up for a good time. What an awkward phone call that was...

   To save time, I buy my panties pre-bunched.

   My uncle married a woman from Tokyo and they just had a daughter. She’s my Japaniece..

   Ninety percent of the body’s serotonin is made in the gut so this beer belly is more like my emotional support dog.

   Got out of the shower this morning and went to put my Fitbit back on, the screen said “looking good.” Was more than a bit unsettling since I was naked.

   A ceiling fan wont cut a bagel in half, not even on top speed

   I insist on having my husband talk dirty to me in a Donald Duck voice.

   Finally cleans my toaster tray Finds the map to the lost city of Arzkab

   All the pictures of me at age 20 are blurry because that’s when I was a human cannonball in the circus

   We debated for years what the participation trophy generation would turn out to be. Now we know.

   Who cares about Elmer Fudd's rifle. I'm way more concerned about them taking Marvin the Martian's Illudium Q-36 Explosive Space Modulator.🗼

   My gardening skills improved since the quarantine. I planted myself on the sofa in April and have grown bigger ever since...

   Everytime I see someone not wearing a mask in public that alternative Queen song that goes No mask on your face you big disgrace spreading your germs all over the place pops into my head.

   I want to hear 99 people sing 'Africa' by Toto. It's something that a hundred men or more could never do.

   Bl@ck History Month reminds us that peanut butter was invented by a bl@ck guy... One can only assume "Chunky" was in reference to his white girlfriend.

   Unemployment, COVID-19, social unrest, .......kinda makes waiting for that giraffe to give birth not that big of a big deal now.

   I'm at the store with my 2 kids. A guy asked me if they were twins. I told him, "One is 8 and the other is 4, why would you ask that?" He said, "I can't believe you got laid twice!"

   Ironically removing episodes from old comedy show because they are offensive..They'll end up on the black market.

   “Who controls the past controls the future. Who controls the present controls the past.”