Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   hates double standards. If a chick bangs a bunch of dudes, she's a slut. If a guy does it, he's a homosexual.

   Came home to find all the doors and windows open and everything gone..what kind of sick person would do that to someone's advent calendar??

   Oh, so it's ok for Superman to wear his underpants on the outside but not me? Sometimes I don't even know why I bother showing up to court anymore.

   the last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still technically on the list.

   went to a karaoke bar that had no 70's songs. At first I was afraid, I was petrified.

   ‎30 Days more......to plan another New Year's resolutions or a new start on old habits!!

   Sometimes I look at what someone is wearing and I can't help but think, "did you give up on life?"

   2011: bros before hoes 1800: brethren foregoing lasses.

   It sucks when you have to much month left at the end of your money

   Well the WD40 worked, the squeek is gone.... But now the guinea pig just lays there lifeless

   If you pull the pin out of a grenade, can you put it back in and let go? I'm going to need a quick answer for this....

   I can honestly say I'm 150lbs of pure sexy! Plus 50ish lbs of something soft and squishy

   My girlfriend tried to buy something in the internet yesterday... Anyone know how to get a creditcard out of a disk drive?

   From now on every time I see a "for lease" sign, I will put a "navidad" sign under it

   I can ytpe 300 wrosd pre mnitue.

   im gonna take a hot shower its like a normal shower but with me in it

   I hate it when your girlfriend asks you to hold her handbag, and it doesn't match what you're wearing.

   When girls impersonate guys, they make their voice deeper and add a "stupid" tone to it. When guys impersonate girls, we make our voice go an octave higher and add an attitude.

   with out me awesome would just be awes

   Math tells us of the 3 saddest love stories: Of parallel lines, who were never meant to meet. Of tangent lines, who were together once then parted forever. And of asymptotes, who could only get closer and closer, but never could be together.