Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   You know you are ugly when your profile pic is never you.

   Some guy at work just asked me if I was homosexual. His exact words were "Do you like Twilight?"

   Some have so big egos that they probably get off in front of a mirror

   When men give women roses they expect Tulips in return.

   Wanna have some fun? Put a stethoscope around your neck, walk into a hospital waiting room and say "I have very bad news for one of you... I'll be back." Then walk out.

   1 universe, 9 planets, 204 countries, 809 islands,7 seas, over 6 billion people, and I had the unfortunate luck of meeting you.

   I Typed in search box on Google : "What do woman want?". Google Replied : "We are also searching..."

   Lazy rule; can`t reach it, don`t need it.

   have you humped or got humped yet today?

   Dogs barking to the song Jingle Bells?... Sure why not. You know what, put it on repeat so I have time to tie a noose and find a shaky chair.

   First class mail will soon take a day longer to arrive. Man, 45 cents doesn't buy anything these days!

   The Wizard of Oz needed another character. Like an alcoholic who needed a liver.

   If a man's wiener was so huge it gave him back problems, he'd never have surgery. He'd just strap that sucker on a cart & go about his day.

   I like you. I'm gonna put you on repeat til I get sick of you, then I'm gonna take you off my playlist.

   Lighters should have an attached sticker that reads: Caution: Will go missing in a week.

   not thinking too much today, therefore I might not be.

   A mind without laughter is a dangerous place to pitch a tent...

   Sometimes when I'm home alone I cover myself in Vaseline and pretend to be a slug...

   Can Obama's Jobs Plan make you a Millionaire? Yes, if you a Billionaire

   Please breathe the other way. You're bleaching my hair.