Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I was carrying groceries to the house the other night, when Justin Bieber played on my mp3 player. Had to bang my head on the trunk until my earphones fell out.

   refuses to swallow my pride. The last thing I need in my diet right now is more empty calories.

   thinks that "Ignorance is bliss" is my personal motto because it hasn't steered me wrong and even if it has, how would I know?

   thinks that proofreading is my worst enema.

   If I ever get Amnesia, don't waste Thousands of Dollars taking me to a Psychologist. Just show me my Facebook account.

   Hey, people who name things. Good job on "waiting room." Really spot on.

   Sometimes when I say "I guess" I'm not really guessing. Feels good to finally clear the air.

   If Facebook really wanted to entertain us, they'd make it a requirement for people to share their "mental status" in addition to each new status update.

   Every time I use a public bathroom, one thought occurs..."Seriously? This many people have Sharpies on them at all times?"

   Looked at the label and the "Muscle Milk" I'm drinking "contains no milk". Great. Next I'll probably find out it's not made of ground muscle.

   I'm going to start carrying fireworks in my car because sometimes my horn just isn't enough

   3 words, 8 letters, easy to say, hard to prove..."I'm a zebra."

   This valentines I'm getting my gf a dozen marijuana plants,better then roses right.!!

   When I get old, I don't want people thinking, "what a sweet old lady..." I want them to worry, "I hope she's not armed..."

   My son came home from school and told my wife he has a part in the play. She asks, "What part is it? He says, "I play the part of the husband." My wife says, "Go back and tell the teacher you want a speaking part."

   gee, the world these days. Sincerely, US Navy Sailor

   Who remembers the pager days!? 4283#2#4663#329

   I have coughed so much this week I think I'm developing 6-pack abs.

   so....my wife is going to start an all-girl punk band....it'll be called Fistful of Midol....Yea, they'll only play for a week each month tho....

   so....my aunt doesn't want me using the word "fingerblast" in her husband's eulogy....what's next, I can't use "bloodfart" either?