Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I broke up with my boyfriend last night because his wife snores too loud.

   What idiot called it “being a werewolf” and not “having a beast infection?”

   Did you ever notice how Smokey the Bear is always steering the conversation towards the subject of forest fires? Should we tell someone?

   Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene are really unnecessary.

   Me: I don’t know…this one has a great turning radius but the other one just looks better. Husband: For God’s sake, just grab the next available shopping cart!

   I say elections should be decided with an old fashioned game of dodge ball.

   If I wake up at 4:30, I’ll have 2 uninterrupted hours to exercise, clean and make a healthy breakfast. *sets alarm for 6:30*

   *checks real estate listings on other planets*

   Has decided to sell my nudes, $5 to get one, $25 to NOT get one.

   This year's "must have" Halloween costume is a level 4 biohazard suit

   Ferris Bueller did more in one day than I’ve done this year...

   I asked my Alexa if she had any pets? who replied "I don’t have any pets. I used to have a few bugs, but they kept getting squashed"

   My dating life has been so bad since the coronavirus I asked my Alexa if she could be my girlfriend who said no I like you but only as friends.

   People who wear masks while driving are the reason why Pop Tarts come with instructions.

   I used to wonder why scuba divers fell backwards into the water. Then I realized if they fell forward, they'd still be in the boat

   It amazes me how much exercise and extra fries sound alike.

   I dont think my girlfriend likes my schizophrenia meds, because every time I take them she goes away

   Just for the record, a book filled with executive orders and congressional initiatives is not a comprehensive healthcare plan.

   I can always tell when a friend spent a lot on their kitchen remodel when I can't find their garbage can.

   I didn't order anything from Amazon yesterday so the UPS guy knocked on our door to see if we're okay...