Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I should be noticed as a hero, I save lives EVERY DAY...because there are people who need to be shot and I don't shoot them.

   A thief broke into my house last night searching for 'Money' .... So I woke up and started searching with him

   Roses are grey,,, Violets are grey,,, Friggin'-Woof. I HATE being a dog..

   Talk about a double standard, my 6 month old niece sneezes in someone's face and it's all "aww....how cute." I do it and suddenly it's all "what the hell is wrong with you."

   I texted my girlfriend "I love you" and she texted back "I love you more. When I went to respond I made a typo and sent "I love you moist"....I figured why correct it, it's true too.

   I don't get the whole "half baked idea" thing....I prefer to be fully baked when I come up with my ideas.

   When people ask me dumb questions, my doctorate degree in sarcasm requires that I give them a sarcastic answer. What!? I took an oath!

   It's embarrassing that 90% of my Google history is just words I wasn't sure how to spell, and yes I googled embarrassing

   People go to the bar hoping for two things...to get hammered or to get nailed.

   Women must care about flooring more than men. I don't know any man who has left a room because the carpet did not match the drapes, but yet many women are left disappointed by a lack of hard wood in their bedroom.

   Hangovers ought to be called hangons because if it was over you'd feel much better for it.

   What has the world come too? I over heard some people talking. A 15 yr old girl said "I'm pregnant" and I think it was her aunt who said "Congratulations". Are you serious? Congrats? How about you just ruined your life, you dumbass wh0re

   Sometimes people suck the life out of me like there's a prize at the bottom.

   Women don't like being told what to do unless they're naked.

   I had to leave my new girlfriend. She was just going through too much stuff at the time. Mainly my phone and my wallet.

   Air Freshener: Because there's no louder way of telling the whole house you've just taken a sh*t...

   My wife looks super hot without glasses. That's why I stopped wearing them.

   It's like my Fantasy Football players aren't listening to a single word of the speech I gave to my TV.

   To the guys saying they want a girl who will fix them a snack after sex: If she's capable of walking you haven't earned a damn sandwich!

   On the highway, getting passed by a minivan is the football equivalent to getting tackled by the kicker.