Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Secret to satisfying women; Under-promise but over-deliver!

   The ladder to success sure does have a lot of p enises on it.

   “I make it rain on them hoes.” - Clouds

   Kinky is using a feather. Perverted is using the whole chicken.

   I'm trying to write a poem for my girlfriend, does anyone know what rhymes with threesome?

   I'm using voice-to-text to post this status. All I do is talk and it makes a text out of it. It's really coo... Hey! What are you doing? That's my phone! Give it back! Come back here, you son of a...

   hopes the Halloween candy will last until Halloween.

   it's only perverted if she says no...

   Leon: Mathilda, nothing's the same after you've killed someone. Your life is changed forever. You have to sleep with one eye open for the rest of your life..

   It's not you. It's me. Actually, that's not true. It's someone else.

   Bite marks and bruises, or it didn't happen...

   Don't ask me stupid questions and I won't hurt your stupid feelings.

   If she's dead on the inside does it still count as necrophilia?

   In case anyone asks, we found these dead hookers while we were digging holes in the woods.

   My homework brings all the Asians to the yard, and they're like "It wasn't that hard"

   If you don't like something shoot it; if you can't shoot it, think about it while you're shooting something else.

   When will companies understand their packaging is being opened by human beings not robots?

   Crotchless panties because how else would we grip our broomstick?

   The average annual income of a U.S. prostitute is $290,000. Seems the only time getting screwed pays is when you are a hooker.

   Marriage and childhood are very similar. You rush to do the chores you were suppose to do 20 minutes before a certain somebody comes home.