Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   24 hours in a day... Except on Monday. That b*tch has at least 50.

   I'm looking for a few women to form a playgroup on weekday afternoons....... No kids, please.......

   When someone tells your their birthday, you immediately add 3 months to see when their parents screwed. Everyone does that, right?

   Just applied for a job at a beauty salon so I can get paid to give women facials.

   I can almost always tell if a movie doesn't use Real dinosaurs...

   I'm developing a reality series featuring older divorcées that live in "pink houses" in the woods competing for breast implants. I'm calling it "Cougar Melon Camp."

   I kissed with an ohmless girl last night............. There was very little resistance

   Guys... Controlling your woman when she is mad is easy... Just tell her she's overreacting. She will then realize you're right and calm right down.

   My wish for you is to get genit@l w@rts from Honey Boo's momma. But I mean that in a nice way...

   Apparently Monica Lewinsky can never be a doctor because she sucked as an intern.

   I can't express my level of disappointment when I'm scrolling and see "Robin Hood:" and it's "Prince of Thieves" and not "Men In Tights"

   A girl can post a pic on fb where she looks like the south end of a north bound mule, and there will be some guy who'll post, "You're beautiful!"

   I'll start to believe video games cause people to be violent when I see someone get arrested for killing a pig by slingshotting a bird at it.

   When someone yells "Shotgun!" I yell "Rosa Parks!" sit down and refuse to move.

   Do you guys ever get a shooting pain across your body like someone has a voodoo doll of you & they're stabbing it? No? How about now?

   I just misspelled a word so bad that auto correct blew milk out its nose.

   Roman Numerals? What are they good IV? Absolutely nothing..

   My father is always advising me to find a girl who has the same belief of me as the family does, and then marry her. Why would I want to marry a girl who thinks I'm an idiot?

   When I die, I want my tombstone to have an iPad built into it. So all my friends and family can write on my wall.

   I would of had a better comeback but I left the come back in your mother