Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'm not saying not to trust the internet, but there's an alarming discrepancy between the number of iPads I've won, and the number of iPads I actually own...

   Congress is now drafting new legislation that would make it mandatory for anyone purchasing this appliance to be entered into a national pressure cooker database. Details at 11

   Nothing is better than a woman getting in touch with herself. Especially if she lets me watch.

   Do midgets still start their childhood stories off with, "When I was little"?

   I'm sick of women who label themselves as a BBW. All of you who say you're a BBW are just Big Bodied Whales. Stop trying to make yourself feel better for being 5'5 and 200 lbs by saying you're a big beautiful woman.

   Don’t fear anything; just try and understand it before you kill it.

   Found a bag of marijuana at work last week, and like any responsible employee, I disposed of it. In a series of small fires

   How about we start being thankful everyday, and have a holiday once a year called Complainsgiving?

   You're 15 years old. You smoke. You're not a virgin and you wear more make-up than you do clothes. You have a bright future ahead of you.

   Domestic terrorism is when my cleaning lady whacks me upside the head with a broom.

   Memo to Lindsay Von. When it ends badly, EVERYONE saw it coming except the Kardashians...

   I was devastated to hear about the bombings in Boston yesterday. Now, I'm all smiles hearing about the 7.8 earthquake that hit Pakistan and Iran today.

   There's only one thing I hate more than lying, skim milk. Which is water thats lying about being milk.

   Get fat with me so I know it's real.

   In an instant it shook our faith in humanity. Watching people run towards the blast in the next instant restored it.

   I just can't stop thinking of all the people who signed my yearbooks that I have let down by failing to "stay cool"

   Post a cute picture of you kid, 3 likes. Post a picture of your new boat, 53 likes. Conclusion: Nobody gives a crap about your kids but your mom and your sister.

   Sadly we often see the best in humanity only after times of great tragedy...

   Capital punishment shouldn't even be a debate. You deserve to be put to death if you take a life.

   Man who go through airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok