Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I may be way off here but I suspect there is a correlation between your failure to get a descent job and the dumb tattoos all over your neck and face.

   I think the most exciting part about morning $ex is when the couple turns on the light and they finally see me.

   Its not about how many friends you have. Its about how many of your friends you can rely on in times of trouble.

   Life is too short to be angry and hold grudges. Just slap them in the face and move on!

   Advice for the ladies: Skip the boob tattoo. That cute little tiger you get will someday turn into a giraffe.

   I keep myself in good enough shape to outrun most women and children during emergencies.

   Going on a dangerous assignment. If I don't come back, can someone please tell my girlfriend that I always found her laugh really annoying. Thanks.

   Any of you lottery playing dumba$$es actually know a single person who's won more than they've wasted?? I didn't think so...

   OJ Simpson is back in court. He's gained weight. Apparently the only knife OJ has been using lately is the butter knife.

   That hilarious moment when people are over taxed and act like its never happened before.

   Ran out of toilet paper, so I had to use leaves. Just kidding, but my son learned a big lesson about leaving his clothes in the bathroom.

   I want you all to know, if I win the Powerball tonight.... I'm still going to show up to Facebook tomorrow.

   The cover up is clear. GOP congress reducing the funding for embassy security must be covered up at all cost!

   Unemployment is down, deficit shrinking, home values up, stock market thru the roof…so the right needs to make up some Scandals!!

   I bet people in Turkey sleep good all the time.

   Facebook...making people argue about their posts/photos since 2004...

   Dear you who is reading this: "Okay, Now lets take a minute to look back! I meant look behind you. Okay now you can look at your screen." -sincerely crazy stalker

   I once tried to sell my soul to the devil... But he said it was too dark and rotten to be of any use to him. The best offer he could make was some broken glass and a Milli Vanilli cassette. I took the deal, because hey... Milli Vanilli!

   Karma means: "I want to get revenge, but I'm too much of a wu$$ to do it on my own so I'll take solace in the belief that some silly invisible force will do it for me."

   Periods. That one week where women have something to blame for being crazy.