Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   has found that the best thing about dating a homeless woman is that when the night's over, you can drop her off anywhere.

   Just saw a girl in cutoff jean shorts so unbelievable short that you could see private parts sticking out the bottom of mine.

   When a bird hits your window have you ever wondered if God is playing angry birds with you??

   My car broke down outside Pizza Hut last night. So I ordered a pizza to be delivered to my house and got a lift from the driver.

   Even a bed of roses has thorns!

   Can you guys just make me famous so I don’t have to work anymore.

   Breaking: President Obama says his favorite musical group is Scandal

   I am sure besides liking your own p 0sts, you also enjoy licking your own balls.

   Miley Cyrus named #1 in the Maxim Hot 100 list??? Its been a few years since my subscription expired, but when did Maxim become a magazie for gays?

   If really good-looking people are "eye candy" I guess that puts me somewhere around the "eye broccoli" category.

   When I see someone in the 20 items or less lane, who's buggy contains over 50 items, I'm often tempted to reach and throw each and every item as far as humanly possible while counting aloud, each one!

   how do I break this vicious cycle of paying my own way and get free $hit from the gov't??

   I only work out to stay just skinnier than the guy at the bar next to me...

   People say that marriage is a job...marriage is not a job, its a hobbie!! Dating while you're married...that's a job!!

   Indecent Proposal: Movie-1993 A billionaire offers a married couple a million dollars if he can spend one night with the wife. Indecent Proposal 2013: A billionaire offers me a million dollars if I can stay off facebook for one night.

   I like it when everyone posts on Facebook what they are cooking for diner...it makes my decision on who to drop in on so much easier.

   There have been more collect calls in history on Father's Day than on any other day of the year.

   I wish people who say "what happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas" would stay in Vegas.

   You know how people dread going to the dentist? I feel that way about getting out of bed.

   JAB, I've declared myself to be totally insane, what's your excuse. . .