Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The guy who said "It's better to have loved and lost" never accidentally dropped his 2nd Reese's cup in the dirt.

   I spend my weekends random dialling women in the phone book and telling them their pillows smell nice.

   Pro tip: "Hold my drink" is not a proper response to "License and registration, please." ...... apparently.

   Can't we all just get a bong?

   The worst part about being stoned at work is realizing it's your day off.

   If you can't out run your problems run towards them and destroy them.

   When I get a call from an unknown number I answer by whispering: "It's done, but there's blood everywhere!"

   wants to meet that hot brunette in that Christian Singles ad on the Facebook intro page :)

   "Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate."

   I wish I was the person that got to choose what posts go on the wall.If you make me spit my coffee from laughing then you made it : )

   Sometimes when I have contractors come over to work at my house I feel like giving them a tip. But then I stop and think...why stop at just the "tip"?

   I’ll smash a jar on the floor before I’ll let a girl open a jar for me.

   Accepting a Facebook friend request from someone you follow on twitter is like bringing home your drug dealer to meet your family.

   Pretty neat how I just lump breakfast, lunch, and dinner all in one meal and call it "drinking".

   When do we start referring to horribly failed relationships as being Taylor-made?

   I put the ass in passionate.

   I think that in hell everyone is drunk but you.

   "I like your pushy." - Sean Connery talking dirty to his woman

   If you want someone who is always smiling, always happy, get a clown. Or a comedian. I need someone who can get dark with me.

   Premature ejaculator seeks bubbly, blonde female with big ti...... Hang on. It dosen't matter now......!