Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   In my car, I control the music. If this is a problem for you, just remember this... your life is in my hands. I am the one who is driving. I can kill us.

   Sunday morning, somewhere a Pastor practices his sermon face then gives himself a quick wink in the mirror.

   Just before I wrecked myself, I had the sense to chickity check myself.

   My best friend in Florida won the power 540 million power ball....Okay, I haven't actually met him yet but I am sure we will be the best friends forever.

   My fiance and her mom say more in one phone conversation to each other than my dad and I have in my entire life.

   Please pray that Jamie Lee Curtis finally eats enough goddamn yogurt that she poops

   If buttered toast always lands buttered side down and cats always land feet first, what would happen if you tied a piece of buttered toast to the back of a cat?

   Canadian civics lesson: The Prime Minister,, is a minister who cannot be divided by any other ministers except for himself and one minister.

   has some advice for the guys out there... Never put tiger balm on and then go to the bathroom.

   A Red Box, inside a McDonald's, inside a Walmart... It's like the turducken of retail.

   Every breathalyzer you take" - The "real" Police

   right behind you. And you know who you are....

   I can't be the only person who has trouble pronouncing the words on the eye chart.

   I'm not a ra*cist,,,,ra*cism is a crime and crime is only for blacks.

   The best part about babysitting the grandkids..... Being able to drink on the job!!

   does this hybrid make me look gay??

   Honey Boo Boo owns a Cadillac Escalade?,,, I really don't feel like I should have to pay my student loans back.

   According to my current parking spot I'm a physician

   It’s funny how watching your kids get older is both the best and the worst thing ever

   Does anybody know how can I send an enemy request on Facebook?