Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   As I get older I spend a lot more time thinking about the hereafter. Every time I enter a room, I have to stop and say, "Now what am I here after?"

   I just want you all to know, whatever problems you might be having, I'm here to 'like' them.

   When you write misspelled backwards it's misspelled.

   My girlfriend asked me if I see myself having kids...I told her to stop asking me childish questions.

   LeBron travels like crazy and never gets called on it. He's comes from near the 3 point line, doesn't dribble the ball at all, then does the lay up for the score. They should show the Heat games on the Travel Channel.

   Ya know, those JP Wentworth commercial are lies! I spent 3 hrs yelling out my window "Its MY money and I want it now!!" Only thing I got was ticket for disturbing the peace!

   I got a call today from a distorted voice saying "Five grand in cash, or we kill your wife" Both options were tempting, but I decided to take the money.

   Here’s a bumper sticker I’d like to see: “We are the proud parents of a child who’s self-esteem is sufficient that he doesn’t need us promoting his minor scholastic achievements on the back of our car.”

   NO, I'm not drinking alone. I'm here with all of my Facebook friends! That counts.....Yes it does!!

   I think my wife is mad at me...... so when she walks by, I do what any man would do in this situation: I PLAY DEAD!!!

   You know it's good advice, when your still confused afterwards.

   Christopher Walken talks like he swallowed too many commas.

   Shooting pool and darts are just sports for alcoholics.

   Microsoft really can't count. Windows 95, 98, 2000, 7. Xbox, Xbox 360, Xbox 1.

   hmmm this cereal is bland, tasteless, boring, flat, flavorless...*reads box* oh,,, this is Synonym Toast Crunch

   Good news everyone – my proctologist called and all the tests were negative. Bad news, his ring is missing.

   I just opened the dryer door & a quarter fell out and rolled underneath it, so I guess I just opened myself a savings account.

   I have so few friends that I think I just gave myself an intervention.

   There are a few people I'd like to go to bed with but I can't think of a single person I'd like to wake up with. Too honest?

   In a stunning display of maturity, Kid Rock announces he is changing his name to Adult Contemporary.