Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   When I asked if you had protection, pepper spray isn’t what I meant.

   Apparently the graphics are so good on the Xbox One, players will be able to see their own social anxiety disorders developing.

   According to Facebook, some people I don't remember are grilling this weekend.

   Kung Fu Panda teaches kids that fat people can do anything they set their mind to, as long as they are a panda.

   I only have a problem with control when I'm not in it.

   Maybe if you tried educating yourself as much as you try getting those abs people will like you more.

   Stevie Wonder's housekeepers probably don't do a damn thing all day long.

   I am the kind of guy who brings a gun to a knife fight.

   If slow-walkers only knew the pain of the fast-walkers trapped behind them, they may just speed it up a little.

   So if I steal "free" wifi from the local church near my house, does that mean god is sending me a signal?

   If a fireman's job can go up in smoke, and a plumbers job can go down the drain, can a hooker get laid off?!

   I'm sick of having 50 states so I combined some: Michconsin,

   People used to be much smaller. WWII people were a foot shorter. Medieval people were basically hobbits. Noah was the size of a cat

   I always take a number at the deli, and I've been keeping them.... Eventually I'll have all the numbers and it will always be my turn

   "Great, another three-day work week. FML!" ~ My Liver.

   If you want a woman for sex, just tell her. Don’t lead her on. It’s impolite to toy with a woman’s emotions.

   I read that they are allowing Boy Scouts to be gay.... I thought it had always been mandatory that they were gay?

   Ladies, “how was your day?” is a rhetorical question. You don’t really have to answer it.

   I always get to work late. And since my boss is female, I naturally assume she doesn’t like men who come early.

   I used to be poor. Then I bought a dictionary, and now I'm impecunious.