Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I hate restaurants where they won't let you bring your own mariachi band.

   If Coca-Cola really cared about the obesity problem they'd put cocaine back in.

   Just cooked myself a dinner of roasted lightly charred grains with butter glaze reduction and light seasoning. (Burnt microwave popcorn)

   Good thing girls started uploading pictures next to a pool with the caption "Summer is finally here!" or we wouldn't have known it's summer.

   I love yoga pants as much as the next guy, but now I also know that my sister has a great ass.

   If you're having a bad day, remember that somewhere in the world, someone willingly got a Nickelback tattoo. And they love it.

   My ten year old son is wearing Axe deodorant to school today, so lets hope I'm not a granddad 9 months from now.

   Hey beautiful. Wanna join me in the shower? Bring your friend too. - me, talking to the beers in my fridge

   Ironically, my sugar daddy has diabetes.

   Your french fries are just my french fries on the wrong plate.

   Wait, there's a "wrong hole"?

   My fridge is so full of beer I'm going to have to drink my way back to the food or starve.

   it still considered a fart if there's debris?

   Ours was love at first fight.

   Hey Canada,,, This is getting kinda boring, how about you let US be on top for a change?

   Your whoroscope says you're gonna get "the herpes"

   Kept making the same mistakes in life, so I call them traditions now.

   Don't tell me about struggle! I have to eat my M&M'S without peanuts.

   Why is it whenever I open a can of evaporated milk, it's still there?

   Lil wayne looks like a monkey that went into a Tattoo parlor ate the folders of pictures of tattoos and then shat ir out