Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   After the wife eats the last donut, it is apparently NOT OK to thank God for the plate not being made of sugar...

   I could write an entire book on excuses,,, but I have to pick my grandma up at the airport.

   When I start to feel confident,, I remember how I've played entire games of Mario Kart watching the wrong screen..

   It wasn’t until I tasted the chewy monkey bits through the chocolate & peanut butter,, that I realized I accidentally bought Rhesus Pieces.

   Just saw Fast 6....watching the heroes downshift their auto stick in anger was just disappointing.

   Goodbye Memorial Day weekend. Like a fifth of Vodka and a handful of prescription painkillers you made Monday more bearable......

   Just when I thought I couldn't hate squirrels any more,,, one just ran past me wearing socks w/ sandals.

   I'm about as lost as lesbian on ChristianMingle.com

   PRO TIP: You can cure most cat allergies,, by putting just a little antifreeze in their water.

   I swear some girls with big asses think they can get away with murder. You have a huge bass because your face is a car wreck, please behave yourself

   I love you all and I am so glad I found you. (me talking to a bag of peanut M & M's I forgot I had

   Art Gunfunkel is short for Arthur Garfunkel, and Paul Simon is short for a man.

   There's no I in 'meat' but there's ME & EAT....I don't know how vegetarians get past that. Time to BbQ.

   Pick a woman with wits. Wits will never sag.

   You women are beautiful creatures I love you all , but by god you scare the sh*t out of me with the way you feed on souls and happiness.

   Let me win your love so I can earn your hatred.

   Home is where the alcohol is.

   Got roses from a vegan. Not sure if they are supposed to be a snack or a decoration. Anyway, they're pretty. Maybe I'll eat just one.

   I'm no scientist, but harnessing the power of teen girls talking would probably solve all the world's energy woes.

   Woman is a question too difficult for men.