Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Every cab is the cash cab if you've got a gun.

   My wife's like a Magic 8-ball. If you keep shaking her, She will eventually give you the answer you want.

   I dreamt I had bought a blackberry. Sigh. These nightmares are really getting worse.

   Someone in the office just said Game of Thrones is overrated and I accidentally stapled his tongue to my desk.

   Doesn’t matter if she changes her relationship status on Facebook. Until she leaves her toothbrush at your place. She’s not your girlfriend.

   It turns out that men are literally putting their lives on the line just licking a vag, and there are still women who don't swallow.

   Unless you fell off the treadmill and smashed your face, nobody wants to hear about your workout.

   Apparently Michael Douglas has not heard of Orbitz gum

   My boss just purchase a brand new two door cadillac cash for his 16 yr old soon that just drop out out school last month.I am sitting here thinking about all of the repairs I have to do to my car.

   Just heard Yoga Pants are being re-designed to be less revealing. I'll be keeping an eye on that.

   Michael Douglas Has the Perfect Excuse... I have Nothing to say the Cat got My Tongue ..

   I wish my smartphone was smart enough to shout from under the sofa's buttcrack, "I AM HERE!"

   Now I totally understand why Peter Pan didn't want to grow up!

   My boss is currently shopping for quarter million dollar homes. Meanwhile, I'm over here deciding if I really need to spend $2 on lunch.

   news says ,Bcos of Michael Douglas, lots of guys visititing cancer checking centers lol...Thanks, Michael Douglas

   “You guys are jerks for eating those living things. You should eat these living things instead.” - Vegetarians

   I have no tolerance for stupid people because, in most cases, stupidity is voluntary. They made a conscious decision to exist in that state.

   Cigarettes take 50 years to kill you. I'm more worried about the stuff that does it quickly like sharks, lightning, women or flamethrowers.

   Some of the greatest relationship tips come from watching CSI.

   Most Facebook updates should be like this: Hi everybody, I didn't have anything meaningful to tell you. I just wanted to waste your time.