Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   How to politely answer to an insult: "I would love to insult you, but I'm afraid I won't do as good as nature did..."

   Spray tans, for those who can't get a real tan because they think the sun shines out of their ass.

   In a survival situation you can drink your own urine. Fortunately my Wi-Fi came back on just as I was filling the bottle and I didn't need to.

   Thanks US Postal Service for putting garbage in my mailbox so I can bring it in my home and then take it out to the trashcan later.

   I can't win for nothing! Parent just told me I need to eat cause I'm getting to skinny. This was the same parent that told me 2 yrs ago I was fat and stop eating!

   ...I can't believe we haven't heard anything else from Michael Douglas. I guess the cat's got his tongue...

   Men are a lot like kids, if you want to shut them up, put a boob in their mouth.

   I've been in a relationship so long I have forgotten what its like to have somebody find me sexually attractive.

   enough with the gun control debate already. Just make guns illegal and there will never be another problem again. Just like all the other things they made illegal and you never hear about again. Like, murder, rape, kidnappings, drugs. etc.......

   I called the Police on my neighbor, but they were on tour and all I could get a hold of was their manager.

   I like you a lottle, it's like a little, except a lot.

   You lost your phone because it was on silent? That's too bad. If you liked it then you should've put a ring on it.

   When a woman asks you “what did you just say?” Repeat whatever you just said. Then start inviting people to your funeral.

   it just me or does it seem like giving my last four digits of my social security is alot easier for others to remember instead of the whole number

   Cats probably get mad that they have to pay an assassin 9 times for one job.

   No matter how bad your day is going, remember, there’s some guy with his girlfriend’s name tattooed on him.

   The only reason I don’t cheat is because I’m lazy. It’s too much work losing arguments to one woman already.

   Chris Brown is adding vocals from Aaliyah to his new song. Congratulations on making a plane crash the 2nd worst thing to happen to Aaliyah.

   I'm glad Lassie wasnt my dog. I just want to watch TV, I don't want to be constantly rescuing people.

   I'm pretty sure there's a Bruno Earth somewhere on Mars.