Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Corrections its Every time I leave the house: ✔Phone ✔Wallet ✔Keys ✔extra phone battery and ✔Battery Charger

   Everytime I leave the house: ✔Phone ✔Wallet ✔Keys.

   I was asked what I would give the woman who has everything... Well, my phone number for a start.

   My application to be a cop was denied. They said my 4 incher would initimadate the other cops.

   Dudes block their girl on twitter thinking she can't see his tweets. That profile with 3 tweets that just followed you, guess who that is.

   "Bae" means "before anything else" I always thought it was a ghetto word for "babe"

   If you don’t like something change it... if you can’t change it....post it on facebook, so I can "like it" and laugh

   "I love speaking for others" --- ventriloquists

   Let's turn this Pizza Hut into a pizza home.

   Dang,,, I really respect an effective slow clap

   My phone just changed, 'calendar' to 'cake radar' and now I really wish I had that.

   What's up with all of these commercials about a reptile dysfunction? These elderly fellows should worry about their own health first...

   Balloons are so weird. It's like, "Happy Birthday! Here's a plastic bag full of my breath.... enjoy."

   I'd beat you up, but that might be considered animal abuse.

   The only thing worse than the one that got away is the one that won't go away

   "Excuse me ma'am... I'd like to return this Dream Catcher." "Sir, that's a dead bird caught in a spider web." "Where's your manager!?"

   I went shopping and forgot my phone. It's sad when you can't update your stat us. I just started yelling out my status every 20 min. or so. I picked up 3 followers. I think 2 of them were cops though.

   That'll teach the bltch to keep the house in the divorce... Before I left, I set 3 white rats free in the house with 1, 2, & 4 written on their backs.

   I was way too drunk last night to drive home. So I drove to another party.

   I farted on the bus today and 4 people turned around. I felt like I was on The Voice!