Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   There's nothing I hate more than joggers on the beach. I don't need to be reminded how out of shape I am on vacation a $$hole.

   You guys make me wanna be a better alcoholic

   why drunk showers are a bad idea: almost accidentally waterboarded myself. moral of the story: use the buddy system.

   We cannot allow gays to marry! It would destroy the sanctity of our prestigious divorce rate.

   Fellas; For every minute you spend 'down there,' I'll donate a dollar to Michael Douglas' Throat Cancer Research Fund.

   I hate when women reject me cause I don't have money. I want them to reject me for who I truly am

   I had a Doc telll me I had a fatty liver. How rude! Now I always ask my Wife: "Honey, do these jeans make my liver look fat?"

   Oh well, a friend just tried to send ricin via email!!!! He never was the brightest color in the crayon box!!

   ironic that due to all the steroids, A Rod doesn't have the stones to admit he did steroids...

   ironic that due to all the steroids, A Rod doesn't have the stones to admit he did steroids...

   Fanny packs- still better baggage than you carry.

   "Done that, done that, done that, done that & that & that" = Me, flipping through 50 Shades Of Grey.

   I find it odd that people say they are poor yet all family members have smart phones,laptops, hundreds channels on TV. Game consoles..

   I'm at my most likable before you get to know me.

   I used to be able to stay out much later than this. I find I just can't any more. My phone battery just doesn't have the stamina any more.

   any non-drinkers wanna trade a liver for some really good stories??

   I started training for a .00001K run coming up 2 years from now. It's going to be hell, but I think I can do it.

   Need to get up early tomorrow so I've set my neighbor's leaf blower for 6 a.m.

   Florida....Where America goes to die.

   Whenever I say the word "exercise", I wash my mouth out with pie!