Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   "Where is it? Oh there it is. Where'd it go? I can't see it. Is that the puck? Oh there it is...wait, lost it again." - me, watching hockey

   <---just took a "Try Me" sticker off one of the plush toys at Wal-Mart and stuck it on a condom box!!

   Sometimes I'll scream out "FACEBOOK WH0RE"!!!!! in the middle of the mall just to see how many of you are out there.

   Pop a molly? Why don't some of you hoes start poppin birth control.

   If you have to "take a break" then you two are NOT together. Timeouts are for sports, not relationships.

   What if your giving a guy a bj in the shower and he starts shampooing and conditioning your hair.

   If I don't mention you, then the tweet wasn't about you. But if the shoe fits, then lace that bltch up and wear it.

   Walk🚶🚶🚶 pass old Friends and Ex's..... .....Like I never knew them.✌✋✋😒

   Kittens FB page has more likes than God's FB page...

   The term "swag" was invented in the 60s by a group of gay men as an acronym for "Secretly We Are Gay." No wonder Justin Bieber thinks he has so much of it.

   A girl just asked what I would call a girl who would do just about anything sexually on the first date. I told her I would call her... immediately!!!!

   If Anne hath a will, Anne Hathaway.

   I broke up with my gym. We were just not working out.

   'Bob Marley drinking game.........1.put on the Bob Marley track "Jammin'"..2,whenever Bob says "Jammin" you drink a beer

   I see your friendship, and raise you benefits.

   Shhh... someone with glasses is talking.

   Someone cook me dinner so I can Instagram a picture of it. It's an emergency.

   Women are from Hearts and Men are from Pen*s.

   How many calories does wearing workout clothes burn? Does anybody know?

   I'd explain it to you again but I'm fresh out of crayons and puppets