Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Thanks to Hollywood any Italian person dying will always first be suspicious.

   I'd play Monopoly but I am afraid of the commitment...

   Now that's he's fired, in about six months I can say to that Men's Wearhouse guy: "You're NOT going to like the way you look. I guarantee it."

   You get a dozen chances to make a first impression when you're dealing with a pothead.

   If you were cyberbullied by me or my gang on the wii tennis forums,,,, I apologize. I have grown a lot since then.

   I want to do a post about a pirate dating site called e-Yarrrmony,,, but the process is too arrrduous

   If marriage doesn't involve daily sex and the occasional fort building then I want no part of it.

   Calling out your ex's name during sex is a nice way to show your current lover that you won't forget them after you break up.

   I'm a pretty good person when you never get to know me.

   You know you don't have to show your breasts on the Internet, sometimes leaving something to the imagination is just as sexy.

   "I hate Tacos!" Said no Juan ever

   I like to welcome visitors to my home with a warm, and sincere 'Goodbye'.

   The amount of times I've tried to stick my key in other people's locks just to see if it fits is probably the reason I wasn't given a d*ck

   Does your family have a history of stupidity or is it just you?

   Ben Bernanke has a wanke and the whole world smiles!

   I got 0 problems and denial is one!

   In hell, for your birthday, they give you socks in a PS4 box.

   I can tell people are judgemental just by looking at them...

   Why are 3 of the 4 judges on America's Got Talent foreigners??

   Lets change the name of Americas Got Talent to America Will Watch Anything.