Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   "Herpes!"-What I see when your Facebook status says "Vegas, baby!"

   It's been 10 days since anyone in the NFL has murdered anybody! So Blessed.

   I was going to start running today but then I decided to eat 6 tacos instead.

   I don't understand why I get strange looks from dudes at the gym when I ask'em to spot me. Not my fault I can't reach my back in the shower.

   It took a lot of persuasion and reasoning on my part at this 'all-you-can-eat' buffet, but anyway... long story short... I'm about to blow the busboy.

   REMEMBER KIDS: It's not gay if it's for meth.

   So the electric motor on our ceiling fan went out. We had a old blender that was about to be a yard sale item so I modified it and rigged it on the ceiling fan. Now I have off, high, tornado, and hurricane. And oddly, a self cleaning house now.....

   Whatever I did to make you hate me, I'd like to know. I have other people I can use that on.

   I have some jokes about unemployment but they need some work.

   The new Paula Deen and Aaron Hernandez jokes are about 12 hours too late...

   In other news Paula Deen as made a statement in regards to the DOMA ruling: "I'm real excited for the fags, especially the colored ones."

   Breast-feeding Mom....Y you No wink back???

   Aaron Hernandez,, I have some legal advice for you,,, Never trust a lawyer who wears pigtails, sucks on a lollipop and blows you kisses when you ask him a complex legal question.

   It took a lot of persuasion and reasoning on my part at this 'all-you-can-eat' buffet, but anyway... long story short... I'm about to go down on the waitress.

   Life is like a box of chocolates, why is this box of chocolates yelling at me?

   "Excuse me ma'am?... I'd like to return this Birthday Suit." ... "Sir, you're naked." ... "Where's your manager!?"

   I'm not saying I'm lazy, but someone wrote "wash me" on my truck so I just wrote back "nah"

   How to you piss off a archeologist? Hand them a tampon and ask them what period it's from.

   I'be gotten to the point where I can't tell the difference between homeless people and hipsters

   So I ordered an industrial electric motor online and modified my ceiling fan, so now I have off, high, tornado, and hurricane. And oddly, a self cleaning house now.....