Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Wishing my American friends a safe and happy Independence Day, and a gentle reminder that they were almost Canadians had Canada decided to raze their Whitehouse instead of turning back to Canada for beer. :)

   Just saw a guy at the gym wipe his ass sweat with a towel then gives it to his friend, which wipes his whole face. I think that's true love.

   Drinking a fifth on the fourth

   that Lorena Bobbitt swinging that knife around in the new Taco Bell commercial??

   thank goodness tim joined us. Haven't seen these jokes in days...

   Sometimes I go out and dig a hole in the back yard in the middle of the night just to freak out the neighbors.

   When you are a kid, it makes you proud when someone says "Wow! You’ve gotten so big since I last saw you!" As an adult, not so much.

   I bet the YMCA dance is a lot harder to do in Chinese.

   I’ve often wondered what an atheist would do if stuck behind a car that wasn’t moving at a green light and had a bumper sticker on it that said "Honk if you love Jesus."

   I measure my life in WTF's-Per-Hour. I'll probably get a speeding ticket here shortly.

   The answer to the Westboro Baptist Church protests of military funerals is to aim the 21 gun salute at them.

   Why are rubber duckies yellow when most real ducks are not?

   Why is it that one who smokes marijuana is automatically a pothead, but one who drinks every weekend isn't a drunk?

   Harlem Shake....Off a cliff

   My brother took going to jail really badly. He refused all offers of food and drink, spat and swore at anyone who came near him, and smeared the walls with his own feces. After that, we never played Monopoly again.

   Do you know what this town needs? Another Walmart. - said no one ever.

   When a woman says nothing's wrong that means everything is wrong and when a woman says everything's wrong that means everything is wrong. - Homer Simpson

   How do Mexicans cut their pizza?..... With Little Caesars .... ***drops mic, Harlem shakes off stage***

   Whats the worst thing you can do to a blind person? Leave the plunger in the toilet...

   I hate when I'm scrolling through Facebook the first thing in the morning and accidentally run up on the three headed baby.. Eww