Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Gravity didn't seem this strong twenty-five years ago. :-/

   Twinkies are returning to the store shelves which means that people will be renewing their Jenny Craig membership in the very near future.

   My three favorite shows about murderers are NCIS, CSI, and SportsCenter.

   Why did they even build a highway to the danger zone

   If you believe the home alarm commercials, the first thing burglars do when they break into your home is smash your family pictures.

   If you don't hate yourself after it, you haven't eaten enough.

   I pity those who feel the need to brag about themselves to get people's attention. I hate them more than the scratch on my Lamborghini.

   I think it's funny how women that love expensive things give themselves away for next to nothing.

   My doctor said I should eat more Taco Bell. He actually said "Less McDonald's", but I'm pretty sure I know what he meant.

   it called NASCAR because that's the way a hillbilly pronounces "nice car?"

   If you're always feeling a little grumpy, next time try a different dwarf...

   The guy who invented the game "Twister" died this week.... Fitting him into his coffin took almost 30 spins. ( they put the left foot in...)

   Hey guys, remember when you could still refer to your knees as right and left instead of good and bad?,,,,, Good times........ Good times

   1. Women can visit their girlfriend for two weeks, and upon returning home, will call that same friend and they will talk for three hours

   Not sure why everyone is concerned about rioting if Zimmerman is found not guilty. No one rioted after OJ got away with murder!!

   What did the one tampon say to the other? Nothing, they where stuck up c*nts.

   YouTube = Commercials load within seconds.

   Before you marry a person you should first make them use a computer with slow internet to see who they truly are.

   Right hand green, Left foot blue, Left hand red. RIP Chuck Foley. The inventer of TWISTER

   Sean Hannity: "Do you have any regrets of specific actions you did on that February night?" George Zimmerman: "No...I feel that it was all God's plan and for me to second guess or judge it...No sir" Me: (facepalm)