Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Women complain that they should be treated more equally. OK fine. Next time a ship sinks in the ocean, you ladies don't get to get off first.

   yeah I was a vegetarian once before......for like 5 hours...til my next meal...

   We're up to Fast n Furious #6. Shouldn't they just create a weekly TV series?

   You can lead a horse to water and you can lead a horse into water and you can swim around with a horse and have fun

   I don't know much about fashion,, So can I assume a leotard is an idiot born between July 23 & August 22.

   Even though Her family owned a multimillion dollar cheese company.......... She was a dairy heir.

   I've currently got the higest eBay bid on Detroit.

   I hate when I ask the person beside me to pass me some toilet paper & they start begging the flight attendant to let them switch seats.

   I have a stalker. She keeps showing up at my house unannounced. She's been doing this ever since we got married.

   I don’t always correct someone’s spelling, but when I do, I google it first so I don’t make an ass out of myself.

   you can run from your problems, unless your problem is a cheetah

   I hate arrogant people. It's like they think they're better than everyone. No one is better than me.

   90% of my life is regrettably trying to get out of conversations I got myself into.

   Smile, it makes your butt look smaller.

   I like the sound you make when you shut up

   The photographer who released the photos of the Boston bomber capture got fired but the sniper that had the laser dot on his head and didn't pull the trigger still has his job? What's up with that?

   Yes, I'm a tool. A drill. Just ask my wife's friends.

   Nostalgia ain't what it used to be.

   I am losing Facebook friends at an alarming rate. Whatever it is that I said, is working like a charm.

   I still eat around bruised parts of fruit like a scared 4-year- old