Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If I die at walmart, PLEASE, drag my body to Cabella's

   just because I don't have a girlfriend doesn't mean I'm all alone, I have food and internet!

   COMEBACK: Just a few more weeks without sex and I win another pair of crocs.

   A good woman knows her limits...... A wise woman knows she has none."

   I'll bet Anthony Weiner's babysitter's mom is pretty freaking creeped out right now.

   Almost have my puppy trained to only sh*t in the neighbors yard.

   If a man needs to be taught how to fish, that man is a wussy.

   You won't see my crazy unless I want you to see my crazy. That's how crazy I am.

   The person in front of me at Starbucks included a specific temperature in her coffee order. Where is a drone strike when you need one?

   Just watched the Selena Gomez "Birthday" video and now I understand why terrorists exist.

   It's so cute when the cashier puts the receipt on the counter like it's going to stop me from finding a way to caress her hand. Nice try.

   Trying to start a conga line at work is unprofessional, and borders on sexual harassment. 'Apparently'.

   I'm going to trade my truck in on a smart car. Nobody asks the dumbass in the smart car to help them move!

   People that say relationships are easy have probably never been in a real relationship. Cats don’t count.

   when people make noise by their high heels, I want to smack them, with that shoes, on their head.

   I'm running out of ways to not hit people.

   You might call it ‘whipped.’ I call it 'guy who’s getting laid.’

   Whenever I see a beautiful woman with a fat ugly guy I think: ''maybe he owns a panda.''

   Stay in that position I just got a Facebook Notification.

   At church today we were asked to raise your hand if your a sinner! Girl raised both hands. I went to sit next to her.