Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Healthcare.gov got 99 problems and glitches are all of them...

   If the grass seems greener on the other side of the fence, it could be because that's where the septic tank is.

   How many selfies does it take to fill the emotional blackhole in a person's life?

   Get a tattoo with Chinese symbols that reads, "I don't know. I don't speak Chinese."... Wait for people to ask what your tattoo means.

   How soon after eating lunch is it ok to eat lunch again?

   Why yes, I would like to meet sluts in my area. Thanks for asking Adriana!

   The popularity of Congress is at an all-time low, according to a recent poll that says Americans like head lice more than they like Congress. But you know, I think the real story here is that some Americans like head lice.

   Just because nobody gets you doesn't make you an Artist........it kinda makes you a doofus

   In my younger days I was proud to be on a "first name basis" with everyone at my job. But now as I approach retirement age I find myself to be on more of a "forgotten name basis" with my coworkers.

   Life has handed me a lot of things. Except lemons. The great mystery of life for me has not been "Why are we here?" or "What is my purpose?". Actually I'd be happy just finding out where exactly the free lemon line is.

   The best thing about "Freedom of Speech" is that everyone can openly express their Religious and Political views. The worst thing about "Freedom of Speech" is that everyone can openly express their Religious and Political views.

   I finally figured out the answer to that old chicken and the egg question...the rooster.

   I finally figured out the answer to that old chicken and the egg

   I once masturbated to a nude pic of Kim Kadarshian and caught herpes.

   BBM = another attention seeking part of social media where ppl follow and not talk to eachother!

   I'd love to see the headlines if the day ever came that Arnold Schwarzenegger was diagnosed with a tumor.

   I am the type of person who would find having super powers a real hassle

   Next Easter falls on 4/20. If that's not a sign from God that weed should be legalized, I don't know what is.

   Kanye West speaks about his recent engagement to Kim Kardashian... "I just can't wait for her to take my First name."

   This is actually Kanye West's second marriage, as he's been divorced from reality for many years now.