Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   When people shorten words for no reason it makes me want to commit murds.

   Don't you just sometimes start a conversation with someone and halfway through you regret the day you've met them?

   "Let me make your morning" - coffee

   Nothing is as scary as logging into Facebook and seeing someone you were secretly with last night has uploaded a new album.

   I'm starting to think mosquitoes just land on our faces not to suck blood but to see how stupid we look when we slap ourselves.

   At funerals instead of crying, I tie the dead person’s shoe laces together. It’s not stupid. What if he comes back as a zombie?

   How can you complain for 11 months then be thankful on Facebook for 30 days???

   We live in a society that's the most knowledgeable about a zombie apocalypse, but the most likely to be eaten while staring at our phones.

   Repaired a vacuum the other day. It was easy,,, I just stuck one of Scotty's jokes on it... Now it sucks just fine

   Did Da Bears really just march into Green Bay and beat the Pack, just wanted to Daaable Check

   Being a reasonable man,, I pointed to the door, suggesting the spider leave immediately and peacefully

   I'm home by myself this evening. My wife is out at Kohl's buying another load of laundry.

   We met on Christian Mingle,, and our baby was born 6 months later

   " My life is like a never-ending episode of The Walking Dead where nothing happens but somehow everything is f*cked. " Girlfriend!

   "Those 4 words that will get any girl into bed with you. 'I won the lottery'." This recipe is for poor girls.

   ou know what material this is?" [Grab your shirt] "Boyfriend material"

   Repaired a vacuum the other day. It was easy,,, I just stuck a Tampa bay Bucs logo on it... Now it sucks just fine

   Today's Horoscope: You're gullible.

   Get this: My 2 year old & 8 month old decided not to take advantage of the extra hour of sleep yesterday morning.

   Wedding cards should be filed in the Sympathy section.