Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Funny how one morning you can wake up feeling like you're on a tropical island and the next day feel like you woke up on the island of misfit toys. . .

   Day 8 Today I'm thankful for my drug dealer

   If you hand me a business card while I'm eating, there's a high probability I'll use it as a toothpick...I'm as classy as they come fellas.

   Yoga, because farting in private is for fat people.

   I think it's safe to assume that people buying stock in twitter have never actually been on twitter.

   Your face owes my eyeballs an apology.

   Love is like the sweetest, most delicious gourmet cupcake laced with arsenic.

   Sucks when you want someone but can't have them cuz someone else has them but if they wanted you, they wouldn't be with that someone.

   My neighbour's cat just menacingly hissed at me for stroking it. Now I finally know how married men feel.

   There are way too many people in this relationship.

   "Sir your phone's ringing." "Yeah, phones do that."

   I have seen your ex so don't act like I am not an upgrade.

   A buffalo was talking on his cell phone. He ends the conversation by saying "Yeah, well hey, I have to cut this short. These roaming charges are killing me."

   Friends come and go but enemies accumulate.

   Don't expect me not to hopscotch all over your house if you have fancy tiles.

   Never fake your own death to get out of a relationship with a necropheliac.

   New Rule: If it fits in a handbag it's not a dog

   You call them ‘naps’ but I prefer to call them ‘alcohol-induced aftershocks'

   My girlfriend was upset that she's still not pregnant but I told her to hang in there & keep swallowing & sooner or later it’s gonna happen.

   I just want to be with someone who isn't crazy but unfortunately I'm only attracted to women.