Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Alright, it's gonna be a mild fall! Aaaaaaand it's snowing.

   Admit it. You're secretly hoping Samuel L. Jackson flips out and drops the "F-Bomb" on those Capitol One commercials.

   If you are down and depressed and don't know what to do, just remember, Nationwide is on your side.

   In honor of 11/12/13..... I will buy beer for any 11, 12 and 13 year olds that ask me.

   When you’re about to quit, remember why you started, Unless its alcohol

   The Thunder God went for a ride Upon his favorite philly. "I'm Thor!", he cried. The horse replied, "You forgot your thaddle, thilly!"

   A guy walked into a Psychiatrist's office wearing clear plastic pants. He said, "Doc, what's wrong with me?" The doctor looked at him and said, "I can clearly see you're nuts!"

   I never knew true happiness until I got married. But by then it was too late

   Evaluate the people in your life; Then promote, demote or terminate! You're the CEO of your life....

   I've been single so long I deserve a bachelors degree

   Anyone who wants to be successful in old age has to start young.

   Some of the happiest years of a woman's life are when she's 29.

   I may not have grown old gracefully, but having a woman who still loves me has helped me to grow old gratefully.

   People are always worrying about getting gray hair. But actuall gray hair is pretty cool. Just ask any guy that's bald.

   I could amaze you with the things I don't know and terrify you with the things I do

   Golden words by a wise man:"If you want to change the world, do it when you are a bachelor. After marriage, you can't even change a TV channel..."

   Miley Cyrus is not unique. I have been having full body spasms and licking random objects for decades.

   When Jennifer Aniston cuts her hair, it makes headlines on CNN. When I cut my hair, my wife tells me to stop trimming my balls over the sink

   I'm beginning to think that I buy bananas just to watch them die a slow death in my kitchen..

   Just like all relationships, the people that I have been FB friends with the longest get on my nerves the most.