Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I saw a man with a pony tail running down the street so I’m guessing there’s an angry iguana somewhere waiting to be fed its dinner.

   Trust me sir across from me at the gym. If I were interested, you would have "accidentally" seen my butthole by now.

   Every chair is a reclining chair if you don't understand what reclining mean.

   Where is Nixon? I'm longing for some honesty!

   ME TEXTING: Be there in 5 minutes... If I'm not there in 5 minutes, read this text again

   Lately, I have really begun to appreciate the versatility of the word "asshat".

   I hope the next Rambo movie is called 'Rambo No. 5' and its just Stallone dancing through the jungle shooting a little bit of this and that.

   You should think about donating blood,,,,, All of it

   You gotta walk the walk to type the type.

   Hey lady in the other car, eating and talking on your cell phone. It's called a Ford Focus...not a Ford Multi-task

   I'm going to have to lose 10 pounds if I want to fit into this coffin I bought.

   There's no such thing as a straight guy with a bedazzled cellphone.

   At no point in "I love you no matter what you look like" did I insinuate "keep eating pie for breakfast."

   Dinosaurs probably just killed themselves because the Flintstones used them as dishwashers.

   3 people everyone hates: - Anyone asking questions when a meeting is about to end - Anyone who holds the elevator for anyone - Kanye West

   Women must hate dying because all ghosts have to dress in the same white outfit. Even the ones they hate.

   Just shut up already. If I wanted to hear your opinion all the time I would have married you !

   I turn down my radio to park my car.

   One time I put my phone in my pocket and didn’t take it out for like almost 5 minutes.

   Why talk when you can type?