Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   In my day, no one checked how old you were when you started kindergarten. We got left at the door and told to look 5.

   My idea was a naked version of DUNE called NUDE, but there are places no one wants sand.

   Women’s time is different. My brother and I are still waiting for my mom to come out of the grocery store when she said it would be 30 minutes. That was 1986

   I don’t know who needs to hear this but if you’re going to rob a bank make sure it’s not the one you normally use.

   unless you’re ryan reynolds driving a taco truck, I ain’t chasing sh*t

   Joe Biden: You know I properly planned my day when I can squeeze in that 3rd nap.

   I'm so old when I was a kid Facebook didn't have a name and everyone just called it ADD.

   WOW!!! I bought an umbrella today and it started raining almost immediately. Now on the way to buy a pack of condoms !!!

   At one point yesterday, the whole world was on Twitter...except for Trump.

   Who else thinks the Brandon should be 2021 man of the year?

   I was going to dress up like sleepy joe this year for Halloween, but my head would'n't fit up my arse.

   My wife thinks I’m crazy. But I’m not the one who married me.

   In what world does a box of macaroni and cheese serve 4 people?

   I'm so dumb, I thought Johnny Cash was a pay toilet.

   I end all my sentences with "Just saying.." because ending them with "You Idiot .." would probably be considered offensive.

   The only thing that stops a bad actor with a gun is a good actor with a gun.

   At the end of the day, a man who identifies as a woman is still a man who identifies as a woman.

   I normally don't brag about exspensive trips but I just got back from the gas station.

   My wife asked me with loving eyes, "What did I do to deserve you?" I responded, "I'm guessing something horrible in a past life!"

   Dog the Bounty Hunter says it's not him. Increases reward to a Million dollars.