Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I said give me head not headache.

   Going to one of those places where you chop down your own Christmas tree, and then try to get away before they catch you.

   When you are married, there is no such a thing as a "bad blow job".

   Having a mohawk used to mean you were tough. Now it means you're a 3 year-old with annoying parents.

   All these years I thought cuddling meant holding her head while she bows you.

   Guys are at their mathematical best when a girl says she is pregnant.

   Bend over and take it like a taxpayer.

   She asked if I was horny, it’s like she doesn’t even know I’m a man.

   You can't spell "housewife" without "ho."

   You call it a "one night stand," I call it "catch and release."

   What color are Paul Walker's eyes? Blue. One blew one way, one blew the other way.

   Great men are forged in fire. It is the privilege of lesser men to light the flame.

   Hey ladies, you know that feeling you get when you roll over & realize you made a horrible mistake? I could give that to you every day.

   Hotels, holiday resorts, airports and restaurants should just go ahead an employ a full time professional photographer to take people's pics they can post on their Facebook walls.

   I just love Cinemax late at night , don't you?

   I never realized how many of my Facebook friends were close with Paul Walker.

   Can Ford stop running Black friday ads already...its freaken Sunday already you a-holes!

   Dudes should not ''poke'' other Dudes on Facebook!

   Stock in Vin Diesel just went down.

   n't there an American Idol Contest somewhere you should be voting for?