Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Parents w/ 1st Baby: "Aww, he's starting to walk! C'mon buddy, you can do it!".. Parents w/ Baby #4: "CRAP, HE'S STANDING! QUICK, SWEEP THE LEG!"

   Hi,,, I'm here for an oil change and an estimate for $100's of dollars of work that I'll say I'll get done another time but never come back.

   I got my stomach by doing as many crunches as I can everyday... *Usually either Nestlé or Captain.

   I'm not saying I gained weight over the holidays... All I'm saying is bring me Solo and the Wookie.

   Don't love someone so much that you stop watching p 0rn!

   I'm not wrong very often but when I am it's his fault.

   I think there are great benefits in remaining strangers.

   Sorry I unliked your pic. My girlfriend ordered me to do it or I sleep on the couch tonight.

   Moving to a new place and people will have a compulsion to say, "but, you won't know anybody there." Like that's a bad thing.

   People will trust you more if you end every conversation with, “May god be with you”

   Sometimes taste is not a flavor, and class is not something you attend.

   Be nice to people on your way up so they won't get suspicious when you're rich and you invite them to your island to hunt them for sport

   Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze

   I asked for a glass of cold water from my drunk af friend I found him with a cup in the microwave. I told him "I said cold water whys it in the microwave?" He replied "we didn't have any cold water, so I'm melting ice for you" l

   Chinese food to go: $16.84. Gas to go get it: $1.62. Getting home and realizing they forgot one of your containers: Riceless.

   I once had a goldfish that could break-dance on carpet, but only for like 20 seconds...

   Watching Fox News, but for some reason I can't figure out why Obama would shut down a bridge?

   Swine Flu is back? Just when you think something is gone forever it comes back and makes people sick.. Just like Dennis Rodman

   Neil Armstrong lands on the moon: 5 pictures. Girl goes to Starbucks: 47 pictures.

   It's not my fault I'm dyslexic, it's in my NDA.