Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Oh Lawd, this woman in Wal Mart has a box of tampns and bottle of Midol in her.....Please everyone stay out of her way!

   Its called KARMA and its pronounced "Ha ha you got served what you deserve"

   Omg look at my baby scans, they are so original and definitely don't look exactly the same as every other baby in the world.

   Another rapper was arrested with Justin Bieber. In related news, rappers are getting way less cool

   Actions speak louder than passive aggressive Facebook statuses

   ONLY Justin Bieber could make doing drugs look not cool.

   Love yourself, just don’t do it in public. There are laws against that type of behavior.

   At what age does stupidity wear off?

   The great thing about hanging up on someone is you can no longer hear them talking.

   Blacking out is the ultimate in relaxation.

   Someone at work asked why Batman wasn't in The Avengers movie, and now I've got a body to dispose of. :(

   Some couples experience a deep, unconditional love that transcends words and exists as happiness in its purest form. I have that with vodka.

   I never get nervous or embarrassed. That's just some sh*t that sober people who leave the house have to worry about.

   Relationships are mostly you apologizing for saying something hilarious!

   Working from home means I save money on train tickets and pants, but spend more on vodka and pizza.

   I'd say we're only a year or so away from somebody getting murdered for denying access to a phone charger.

   I wonder what it’s like to sleep with a woman who has standards.

   A restraining order is kinda like a love note right?

   when Justin Beiber gets killed it wont be a tragedy but natural selection at its finest.

   Gay or straight doesn't matter. What matters here is funny jokes! Come on people, my facebook friends are starting to think I've run out of funny sayings.