Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   At my job interview today the guy said, "You're shaking, don't be so nervous." So I told him, "Oh, I'm not nervous, I'm an alcoholic."

   I can't believe I haven't ruined somebody's day yet.

   "I'll take a Shirley Temple" - God

   You can never rule out the possibility that someone in your life is dead and you've been getting Weekend-at-Bernie'ed.

   heard the illuminati were accepting resume

   Hey husbands, only 2 more days to get your wife a gift for Valentine's Day so she can be less angry at you for about 3 hours.

   The best way to avoid getting fired is to avoid getting hired.

   does the illuminati celebrate their birthday on Facebook?

   Coffee is that one friend who believes in you and always wants you to succeed.

   Of course she won the argument. She cried. - every guy ever

   she took off her sock & it looked like a pack of black & mild

   I overheard an old dude at the bar tell the bartender not to put ice in his drink because 'you'll bruise the scotch' Changed my life.

   i became a resentful, self centered, science freak egomaniac by joining atheist mingle

   If walking to car on a frozen driveway was in the olympics I would take the gold. So graceful when I almost fall down.

   "all dressed up and nowhere to go" atheist tombstone

   Twerking and Selfie have been added to the dictionary. Future and Optimism have been removed.

   Auto correct did me in. I've been seeing a girl who perspires a little when we have s-e-x. Hot. I typed, "Hi, sweety", and it changed it ti, "Hi, sweaty." Now she won't take my calls.

   Jesus Love You is a good thing to hear in church but a bad thing to hear in a Mexican prison.

   The Olympians stories are amazing.. The ukrainian whose whole family was killed, the korean who escaped slavery, the american who never had wifi.

   If you didn't want me looking in your bedroom why did you put your window at the same height as my ladder?