Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Every taco bell value meal should be called a number 2

   I save money on toilet paper by keeping the 12-foot long receipts I get after every purchase at CVS.

   I’m so confused, I thought the Crip Walk was a marathon for gang members.

   Humans have built civilization and traveled to the moon. It is a legacy for the world, but perhaps only a flicker of light for the universe.

   My friends call me "Cruiser", because I like fast cars, fast women.....and the back seat of police cars.

   Great day to be a canadian woodpecker with blue eyes and a 3inch beak

   So when love comes knocking at your door answer it stark naked

   Monday I drank a Shirley Temple to mourn her, today I'm going to eat a Caesar salad to mourn Sid, tomorrow I'm having a Bieber burger & crossing my fingers....

   myself. Sometimes I get ahead of

   Why you miserable cork-soaker!

   I'm the best dad in the world when i'm surrounded by strippers.

   This Valentine's Day, make sure to give her something you both can use and WANT... A divorce

   Malaria is a pretty name for a girl.

   "I only like you as a friend, but I'm not going to tell you until you fall in love with me, because I want to break your heart." - Women

   I shake my head at people's stupidity so often that no one will even notice if I get Parkinson's.

   Love isn't going to knock on your door, unless you fall in love with a Jehovah's Witness.

   Girls are supposed to dance. That's why god gave them parts that jiggle.

   It's not you, it's your drawn eyebrows.

   There is no straight way to wash a cucumber.

   What is it with those female athletes, freezing temps and they wear them thin skin tight lycra suits, my wife wears more than that in a warm bed