Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Well I don't want to date anyone that's ugly, but I also don't want to date anyone that's stupid. So I'm single.

   If you're a good enough cook, fat people will let you pet them while they're eating.

   What do you mean there's no attendant in rest area bathrooms? Then who was the guy that held my pen*s while I peed and vigorously shook it?

   Madonna and Johnny Depp seem completely unaware they aren't British

   You could pleasure me just by walking away.

   n't it ironic the idea that homosexuality is unnatural is shared by believers in resurrection, omnipotence and talking burning shrubbery.

   I can't stand it when people don't know the difference between your and you're. There so stupid.

   Keep calm and massively overuse a slogan

   Who wants to get deleted.. send me a game request. . .

   I bet you'll never see a fight break out in marijuana clubs.........

   My wheel mouse just hit 100,000 miles without an oil change. . .

   Some parents are so benevolent that put their lives in danger for their children - again for themselves actually- some other's

   My drug of choice is not a drug at all, it's a plant. . .

   Taking applications for a booty call, private message me, just don't be related. . .

   Cyanide, the one pill prescription cure all. . .

   I hate brushing my teeth at night. It signifies I can't have any more food and I'm never ready for that kind of commitment

   I went to the store to buy some beef jerky but my credit application was turned down.

   If all the women on Facebook were laid end-to-end I wouldn't be a bit surprised.

   So I got a handjob from this Blind woman the other day and she proceeds to tell me I have the biggest shaft she's ever felt. I then told her, "You're pulling my leg!"

   O.K.... Now it's the scientists' turn to hide,,, and the Higgs boson has to find them