Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Owning a car is having a friend you can scream inside of.

   ask your doctor if medical advice from a commercial is right for you.

   I give movies with 2 stars a 5 on Netflix because if I sat through this piece of sh*t, I want you to as well.

   5 Stages of Life: 1. Just a kid. 2. Don’t want to be a kid. 3. Afraid you’re still a kid. 4. Definitely not a kid. 5. Wish you were a kid.

   You say “YOLO”, I say “YADA”. You’re A Dumb As%.

   Just saw a K9 sheriff car with a bumper sticker that said got dope?

   The cashier seemed to appreciate that I bagged my own groceries until I unpacked them all and said, “Damn That’s how I want you to do it.”

   The easiest way to keep people from getting involved in your personal problems is to not post them on the internet.

   I only advocate hemosexual lesbians. You know ladies what I'm saying.

   Someone once told me it was really cool to bang a snowman.

   In every crowd there's that guy that used to work in an Inspirational Poster factory.

   Warning we now have a new I am so philosophical‎, ha,ha

   Thank you for the insprational quotes, but back to the funny.

   Make sure the important people in your life know how important they are before it’s too late.

   To make someone happy, give them three things: Attention, Affection and Appreciation.

   Hey! Wanna make $$$$$$ fast? Just follow my simple instructions. 1:Hold down the Shift key 2:Press the number 4 four times. It’s that easy.

   First thing I do in the morning: Look at the clock and hope I have more time to sleep.

   Even if you live your life as a open book, people will still wonder which pages have secret messages.

   If you suddenly find 715 new planets, is that a discovery or were you just not looking hard enough in the first place?

   I am ready to take our relationship to the level of appearing together in a Facebook profile picture.