Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I've wiped my bottom 47 times already. It's like there's someone back there with a paintbrush trying to p!ss me off.

   Russia and China are now allies, Iran and North Korea are building nukes and Obama is our Commander In Chief? Hmmmm....Where toast!!

   I hate when girls say, "you probably say that to every girl." don't you use the same resume when applying to different jobs?

   Driving would be much more entertaining if there were no yellow lights

   I guess running in front of cars some sort of gang initiation for squirrels

   The only thing preventing me from smashing my alarm clock this morning is the fact that it’s my cellphone

   It's official I'm suing my job for refusing to recognize my religion of being a bear and denying me my beliefs of winter hibernation.

   911 operator what's your emergency" "Are ya'll hiring?"

   If I owned a copy store I would only hire identical twins.

   Apparently it is National Pancakes Day. Dreams really do come true!

   Girls that are 16 and pregnant may look stupid now.. But their kids will move out when they are 34.

   Tell her you'll change. B*tches love change. Just ask Obama.

   Guys I think we need to go out more coz we are running out of material here for crying out loud!!

   So I finally had chicken noodle soup with a soda on the side. And I must say, it was not everything I was hoping for.

   Dear Monday, Back Off, I will Cut You

   Got a call from the IRS this morning, the lady asked me why I sent a condom in with my taxes, I said I figured if I am getting f%ck%d, might as well be safe about it.....

   Hang on, rest of the world suffering from real crises. We're busy picking which humans are best at pretending to be other humans.

   My friend came over today and left his new laptop on the damn floor. My dad not knowing how old fashion he is thought it was a scale. Conclusion: My dad weighs 980.34$ dollars.

   X Tonight marks the 86th Consecutive Anniversary of me not watching the Oscars

   I want to become a social media terrorist and take down facebook, myspace, twitter, and instagram. 95% of the people in this country would be in shambles and actually have to interact with real people again...