Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Arrested again? Let me search old Chris Brown jokes to insert here....

   "911, what's your emergency?"... "Hi. Long time listener, first time caller."... "That's really funny."... "Thank you. Anyways, I'm being stabbed."

   Magic Johnson only bought the LA Sparks so his son can play on the team

   Bike Week...or as it's also known: White Trash On Wheels Week

   It's kinda embarrassing that Nostradamus predicted we’d only have 5 Doritos flavors by 2014.. When we actually have like 15

   I have an eating disorder, where I eat dis order,,, and dat order,,, and dis other order on the next table.

   What do you do if you come across a tiger in the Jungle? Wipe it off and apologize.

   My boss told me "Sarcasm will get you nowhere in life," "Well, it got me to the 'International Sarcasm' finals in Santiago, Chile in 2009," I informed him. "Really?" he asked. "No," I said.

   Amazon says that by 2015 they can make deliveries using drones, your move Jimmy Johns

   If someone will fund it, I'll go to the rainforest and just lick stuff until I find a cool new drug.

   What is it about your mother's basement that makes you so tough on the internet?

   Adult gummy Melatonin: because while fat, drunk and stupid might be the American norm, fat drunk stupid and sleep deprived is unacceptable.

   Ever like someone so much that you just want to chew on their hiney?

   I am not down with OPP but I'm definitely down with the sickness

   One time I lost my phone for 6 days, so I feel your struggle Malaysia

   Malaysia Air uses Waze Maps

   Why has no Media source asked J. J. Abrams where Malaysia flight 370 is?

   We men love two women; the one is the creation of our imagination and the other is not yet born.

   I'd probably go to church if all the women wore yoga pants. And they were all hot. And it was at a bar. A free bar. Amen.

   It's my birthday on St Patrick's Day and I'm gonna be drunk all weekend! LET'S GET READY TO STUMMMMBLLLLE!