Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Creationism vs. Darwinism: I love science, yet until they can settle the age old question, "Which came first, the chicken or the egg?"....I'm siding with Creationism.

   Change your wifi password to blowmefirst, then wait for someone to ask for your wifi password.

   Doctors are saying that each piece of bacon you eat takes 9 minutes off your life.... Based on the math, I should haved died in 1732.

   I feel sorry for people who don’t have dogs. I hear they have to pick up food they drop on the floor

   "I'd like to apologize now for not liking your posts that I" stole as an update or ..

   If it's fat, drunk, and slow, it must be Chicago

   It's hard to be your prince charming when you'd rather just fool around with all 12 of the dwarves.

   BREAKING NEWS: Vladimir Putin moves two Boy Scout Troops to the Russian/Polish boarder. France surrendered

   I got the moves like Jagger, and the medical bills to prove it.

   Being married means you never hav--- WOULD YOU QUIT CHEWING SO GODDAMN LOUD?

   I wonder if Ralph Wilson's funeral will be blacked out?

   Of all the advice given to me over the years, "There really is no bad time for a beer" has proved to be the most helpful. Thanks ma.

   You lost me at 'you should'.

   All I want is to see you smile. That and maybe a pizza.

   I see you stopped taking your meds. Can I please have them?

   The louder you make a women moan increases your chances of having a sandwich.

   I have no problem expressing my feelings. *loads shotgun*

   Sometimes the smartest thing you can do, is play stupid.

   The problem is people are everywhere.

   In another dimension, I'm happy and sane. Please don't tell my wife.