Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I let a girl go through my phone recently, but then I threw her in my trunk.

   Hello 911? Yeah, my wife accidentally fell off a cruise ship 3 months ago

   Ladies; Make sure you "got it" before you "flaunt it."

   If the baby mama can claim a child on their taxes and get money why can't I claim my child support payments?

   Nothing saves money like being antisocial.

   Today's Pet Peeve: Overachieving seat belts.

   Anyone want to hang out tonight? Miley ruined my plans...

   I wonder if cat parents are telling their kittens about the good old days, when they could sleep on top of the TV.

   I just realized that yet another piece of Americana is gone. The computer age has completely obliterated the following often heard phrase: "Send a self-addressed stamped envelope...."

   I've always pictured myself taking selfies.

   Be kind to your dentist because he has fillings too.

   My spirit animal would run into a screen door.

   So, all theses years I thought it was the dyer making my shirts not fit. now I'm pretty sure it the refrigerator.

   My tombstone will read "should have googled it first."

   I can never remember if it's water or coffee that fights a hangover. Or sleep. Or sex. Or bacon? F cuk, math is hard.

   Sometimes it feels like my only goal in life is just to wake up once a day.

   To be (horny) or not to be, that is the erection.

   Death and taxes .... trying to figure out which one is worse.

   I'd like to help you disappoint your family.

   "Mom, when do spiders learn that if they come in our house, they'll die?"